therapy

i am happy with you

and our little garden

and he comes and he lies

with his blank stare and deceitful eyes

and his stories of woe

and his loss of care

i have no respect when he is there

flip the script and the ‘sitch

he is mean and he hurts on purpose

his anger threatens and hangs in the air

everyone else is at fault, no blame is his

i have no respect when he is there

and they look to us

and they need us

and i am tired of being needed and not wanted

i am content with not picking up their pieces

i wont let them bury my garden

and my heart hurts and my brain races

and i am apathetic

and i have lost respect

and     i.   am.     tired

but i am happy with you

and our little garden

i am happy

with you

 

Visions

Rough day. Been having a couple of them lately. I hate that feeling. I hate being frustrated with my living situation and not being able to do anything about it right now..and I have to just keep telling myself it will change-because it will, I wont survive otherwise. Some of you may think Im kidding, but I’m not…If you know me…you know Im not kidding. Things are too small…there are too many other things…things I need to get rid of..and I definitely need more space.
Anyway…beyond the frustrations of the everyday, I’ve been dealing with the weight issues again and everything that it can affect. All I can say is blech….and the people that think it’s easy…please, walk in my shoes first…before you fuckin utter a word about what to eat or how to workout…do you not think I don’t know that? I had to take nutrition in College…I did learn something…basically really…more out than in and it should work, right? Right…but what if you cant get anything “out” and you’re addicted to everything “in” and you have that little extra problem that makes it a little harder for you than the people around you….well whatever. I used to lift weights..i loved it..I loved working out with free weights…and by God once I get a little weight off…enough that I can even walk without wanting to die…I will start doing it again.
I have plans for my birthday..sort of…but it involves an indoor water park…and although I love the idea of it…all I can think is that fact that I will be wearing shorts and a tank top…maybe shorts and a tshirt…all the while knowing ill get stared at because Im heavy. And we thought about going to Disney this year but that’s not even an option because I cant do it…I cant do any parks…and I was supposed to have surgery and literally had that ripped out from underneath me when the company changed insurance companies…and we got married so I could be on her insurance for the purpose of the surgery and I was on PAC which will now be covered and if we weren’t married I could have it done…and I just..It’s frustrating.
And I had a somewhat emotional day today…at least briefly…I have a hard time dealing with anything that has to do with cancer…or mother’s dying or something of the like…because although it’s been about 8 mnths now..I can still her face every time she went into arrest…and I wont forget going in there and having to yell at her to look at me to get her out of it. I find solace in the fact that I could…that I could get her back again and bring her around before she left for good…the last time gave us about 3 weeks longer with her. We didn’t hide Ryleigh from the hospital…it was ok for her to see maw maw sick. And when she was home, Ryleigh sat on her hospital bed with her in the last few days she had and my mom smiled. I have the pictures so that we will never forget. (Side note: I just cried a little and Ryliegh came and asked me if I was crying…when I said yes, she wiped the tears from my face and said “there ya go.”..Oh how I love her) I was watching a movie today where a little girl drowned and was in the hospital on life support and the watching it brought back everything…even as far back as August 2 of 2010 when mom almost left us the first time…and the ICU and her eyes…
If you’ve never watched someone die it’s hard to understand I guess. I don’t mean be there at the end, I done mean have someone you love die…even your mother..but I mean watch your mother die…literally. I don’t mean that the pain is any less, and maybe not that different…but maybe it is…I watched my mom die…I helped my brother and sister in law take care of her through the end…they really do revert back to babies…as the weeks went on she wore diapers that had to be changed, and she had to be sponged bathed, and it was about two weeks and she couldn’t talk anymore and eventually couldn’t communicate at all…and it was like she was in a coma all over again…you talk to her and tell her you love her and that its ok to let go when she’s ready..but it’s not really…it’s never ok…you never want her to…she’s your mom…she’s supposed to be there forever she’s supposed to protect you…and in this case, it’s her causing the pain. Not on purpose and not with any hurtful intent…but she cant protect you from death. And you change your beliefs back and forth to whatever makes you feel better that day…whether it was god’s need to take her or whether you pray there’s a heaven and you get to see her again or if you believe that she’s in everything around you so she’s always there…and you get angry and you cry and you were always the one who held it together and sometimes you just need to cry. And you have good days…great days even and sometimes to even feel guilty about smiling so much…and you’re fine for awhile…then you have days like today.

And you cry and then you write about it. Sorry guys.

June15th, 2013

Early Morning Rambling

Please dont  make me feel bad, even if you know what im going through

this  doesn’t just go away, it’s a peaceful calm you get to

the sudden pain inside your soul, that makes its presence every day

this is all that has been known, I’ve known no other way

The hierarchy is gone, the rest have just imploded

Nothing is the same, the whole world has now exploded

Shut down and now inside

All the past and unknown in light

The fluctuation of thoughts and feelings

Constantly in fight

Everything that has been locked away, now upon the surface

Is this what’s supposed to happen

Was this the fucking purpose?

So many different paths to take

All the answers still undone

A part of nothing, so it seems

Now that my glue is gone

Mistakes and choices already made, looked upon with strife

Inside these walls lies the most beautiful things

That surely saved my life

It feels like the first time.

So, I did it. finally found time to do this blog things I’ve been wanting to. Im not really sure about it…and I used to have “LiveJournal” so I gues it’s sort of the same thing. This is about me…my thoughts, feelings, rants, raves, etc. If you dont want to read it, dont…if you do-well you get the idea. And honestly, if you dont like what i say…I dont care..why?…Cause It’s mine. I willng errors (I dont tend to proofread much), I will have grammatical errors, I will have offensive things, personal things…and once again..if you dont like it..got it? okay. Now that THAT’s out of the way….I havent decided who can read this….who I want to give access to…not just yet. There are a few Im certain of…and a few Im certain will not. but really I have so many things in my head that have to come out..have to go somewhere because they weigh me down…they weight everyone down. I used to write poetry and stories…and paint…I used to love to draw and paint…but even that eludes me nowadays. So im left with just me…and my thoughts. And as of lately, that’s been all too dangerous. I have been angry and depressed and closed off and unhappy. So incredibly unhappy that I was ruining myself. WHEW….just putting that out there feels better. And it’s life…and death…and stress, and money and school and being a mother, and wife, and daughter, and sister and daighter in law, and aunt, and friend. Some of these Im just not good at…most of them actually…always have been and it has recently reached a new point on the “I just dont give a fuck” scale that it got scary….It’s getting better…Im getting better…but this, you see, this blog is where it all begins…where I can lay it all down. So be prepared to get to know sides of me you will never see…and things you dont even want to know…but it’s your choice….sort of. If I let you in. and see there, that is, in fact, the problem.